pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
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