i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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