hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
zippers are such a cool invention
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
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