If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
I'm getting married
To pizza
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize