Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
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