Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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