why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
if he wont fuck me on the stairamster then i dont think theres much XXX shit going down
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
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