Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
so I think I'm done having sex with her, she's way too crazy
what about the blowjobs for adderall?
no those are still okay
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
Randomize
