Swine flu. Run for my life!
Screwed.edu
i nerd-gasmd. plain and simple.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
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