my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
Becky drew a cock on my face and is making me sit on the step.
what did you do that she drew a cock on your face and supplemental questions why did you let her?
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
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