Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Randomize
