a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
Walk of Shame today included voting.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
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