I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
He literally asked permission to hit on me
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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