I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize