Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
what is college for if not random hookup sex?
learning.
i would literally fuck learning if i could.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
Randomize
