so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
You had me at "let me see your balls"
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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