I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Randomize
