I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
