cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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