he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
Its what im here for. Critiquing penis photos.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
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