It's like a parade of train wrecks.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Randomize