i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
