ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
