Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
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