where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
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