Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
Randomize