So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
