So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
