i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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