A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
Randomize
