OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
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