I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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