i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
Randomize
