Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
Just crossed the line with my beat friends girl twinsie. Didn't realize tillz afta how much the look alike and an thougholy creeped out. Thanks ciroc
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Randomize
