Yeah...you.wanna.hang.out.tomorrow?My.space.button.is.broken.
I could make wine with my vomit
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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