Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
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