I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
Randomize