Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
Randomize
