Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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