My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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