the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
Randomize