Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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