Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
I can't wait. Forget the royal wedding. This is the most anticipated hookup of 2011.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Randomize
