Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Randomize
