Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
NoShamevember. You game?
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
who has a one night stand on Christmas ? But he's pretty attractive so thumbs up
Randomize
