yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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