it's too hot outside to masturbate.
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
it's not cheating when I paid for it
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
