I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
Randomize
