Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
