I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
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