people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Randomize