we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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