today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
