I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
Randomize
