My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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