Please, let me fuck your mom
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
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