so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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