I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
