Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Randomize
